Record: 24-31
Yikes, the Knicks are a bad basketball team. In lieu of going over anything related to how the Knicks play basketball, we’re just going to dole out some disgusting dialogue involving Kovid Towns. Some real reprehensible stuff. We love laughing at Kovid Towns for having a mental handicap.
Postgame media availability
Mr. Carson: “Kovid, you can have sex with almost any woman you want to, and you chose Saggy Floppy. Can you describe what was going through your vapid head when you decided to go Instagram Official with Saggy Floppy?”
Kovid Towns: “I don’t know what vapid means but my imaginary friend, Karlito, told me that it means ‘nice’! Thanks, Mr. Carson. I like to be a nice person.”
MC: “Kovid, I’m a legitimate reporter who is asking you a fucking question at an official postgame NBA media availability. Answer my fucking question.”
KT: “Oh, sorry Mr. Carson. My dad gets upset with me when I don’t answer people’s questions. My mom used to get upset with me for that too. My mom died. It didn’t feel good.”
MC: “Jesus Fucking Christ.”
Mr. Carson turns to the PR faggot who is responsible for Knicks media sessions.
MC: “PR Faggot, do we need to write down our questions to Kovid so that he can answer him? Or do we have to wait for Kovid to eventually understand what is being asked and to uninteligibily form his response?”
PR Faggot: “Sorry, Mr. Carson, but we’re just going to have to stay patient with Kovid. Believe me, it’s not optimal. I’ve been stuck with his long-COVID brain for 9 months.”
MC: “Goddamnit. Kovid, why are you committed to Saggy Floppy?”
KT: “She’s nice!”
MC: “OK, moving on. Kovid, you’ve been public with your belief that you are the best shooting big man in the history of the world. How can you say that when Dirk led a perfectly fine but not great supporting cast in Dallas to a championship run where he bested: the Lakers coming off 2 straight championships in a sweep, the Thunder with 3 future MVPs, and the Heatles? Kovid, do you understand that you rode Anthony Edwards’ shoulders to one Western Conference Finals, and now you’re about to lose to this injured Celtics team after going up 2-0?”
KT: “I am the best shooting big man ever! I like brownies!”
MC: “You know what, Kovid? Fuck you. Your dad lost his wife and still hasn’t reshaped his fat ass to not be a giant tub of lard. If your dad had an ounce of respect for your mom dying, he would change his life after she died. He didn’t. PR Faggot, we’re done here. Have fun with Kovid Towns.”
Kovid Towns’ mom died of the clap. Kovid Towns’ mother bred rabbits in rural New Jersey, and there was a clap outbreak that somehow transmuted and infected her genetically-compromised immune system. Ever since she died, upstanding, professional NBA media has been forced into an unbreakable vow that they would mention how Kovid is “going through a lot” before even the slightest criticism. An unbreakable vow lasts forever, so that preface is still in full effect.
Good thing we’re not upstanding or professional.
Derek Lively lost his mom to a legitimate disease and Derek did nothing but PUT ON for his city in last year’s playoffs. Kovid Towns still plays like a retard after his mom died because of a mutant rabbit disease that was completely her fault, and everyone who talks/writes/vomits about playoff basketball for a living is still obligated to say that Kovid Towns is dealing with insurmountable hardship. It’s cockamamie. It’s bullocks. It’s rubbish.
Looking at Kovid Towns’ face is extremely unpleasant. You get dumber every time you look at the face of Kovid Towns. Especially when he smiles and is happy. Kovid’s happiness kills more brain cells than television programming. There are hundreds of inbred families in rural West Virginia that can form more intelligible sentences than Kovid Towns.
Did you see Kovid’s face when he hurt his thumb? That was nasty. His face, not the injury. And what makes it worse is that Kovid Towns allows himself to whimper and sulk during stoppages in play, but when the game resumes, he instantly rearranges his face to a regular, competitive complexion.
It’s tough to find people with a legitimate following (so, not me lol) who just accept that Kovid Towns has a compromised brain. The same people who vote on the Best Player Award are the people who wonder out loud when Kovid Towns will stop making retarded fouls, attempt quality shots, or make sound defensive decisions. It’s like they’re treating Kovid Towns like you and me. Like Kovid Towns is a regular person who is capable of self-improvement and learning from failure.
Kovid Towns is not a regular person who is capable of self-improvement and learning from failure. Kovid Towns is a retard. If you don’t acknowledge that, you’re part of the problem. If you don’t acknowledge that Kovid Towns takes 30 minutes to cook Minute Rice, you’re delusional, removed from reality, and a bluetard (jokes on the American political system!).
Kovid Towns takes these 30-foot three-point attempts with loads of time left on the shot clock, and you’re like, “wtf?!?!” Somehow, the best shooting big man in the history of the world was missing almost all of those terrible, lazy attempts in Game 3. They were open because they were so far away. They were also open because Kovid Towns is very tall and contesting his shot is usually not an option for defenders. No matter. Kovid went 1 for 5 from three. On two-point attempts, Kovid Towns barely shot better than 30%. Kovid Towns has an uncoordinated, weak lower body. Kovid Towns does not turn over either shoulder for one-handed shots around the rim. Lord Voldemort does that. Kovid Towns does not. Kovid Towns does not feel his defender and move to where his defender is not. In the infinite wisdom of the coaches who brought up Kovid Towns as a youth (his dad and John Calipari), no one was able to educate Kovid on how to maneuver around the paint to attempt calm, collected shot attempts near the rim. No, maybe that was impossible because Kovid Towns is so fucking stupid, but still. Lots of brain-dead people have learned how to operate around the rim on offense. Kovid Towns has not.
The dipshit refs love swallowing the whistle when Kovid does something around the rim. Kovid gets obviously outraged and that really contributes positively to the watchability of this terrible Knicks team. It might be the best thing about them. Watching Kovid Towns get upset, angry, and hurt. Watching Kovid Towns get happy is the worst thing about the Knicks. Worse than watching General Woundwort on offense.
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